Do endless appointments to manage your chronically challenging health wreck havoc on your schedule? If you’re saying YES, let me assure you that you’re not alone. Work and personal life are inevitably disrupted while you fit your life into other people’s schedules.
I’ve lost count of how many people have told me they can’t hold a job because of this. And now, after 35+ years of office visits, procedures and surgeries, my patience wears thin quickly. It evaporates when the appointment starts more than 10 minutes late.
So when the physician (whom I’d never met before) entered the exam room 30 minutes late, breezily asking, “How are you?”, my frustration spiked high. If he’d acknowledged up front that he was late and apologized for my inconvenience, the boil would have evaporated. If I’d taken a slow breath before opening my mouth, I would have calmed enough to consider what to say and why.
Instead, my emotions took charge as I responded in a tight voice, “I’m not doing well right now. Is running late for appointments typical?” Ouch. I’d cornered him into giving a’ yes’ or ‘no’ response. That put him on the defensive for the rest of our appointment. Which made me even more uncomfortable, unable to hear what he was saying or follow his recommendations.
Being a chronic patient is a time suck. And because our health is so frustrating and we spend so much time managing it, it’s critical that we manage our behavior and do our best to get what we need. But I’ve found that looking back with regret is easy but it doesn’t change things. We have to learn from what did and didn’t happen so we can make the changes we want.
I also know it’s hard for me to change my behavior as it probably is for you. It’s far easier to keep doing the same thing — even while knowing it’s not helpful! Over the years I’ve tried various behavior change techniques with myself and clients. Then recently I read about a behavior change model, WOOP (wish, outcome, obstacle, plan), based on research by psychologist, Gabrielle Oettingen.
- My wish: to communicate effectively with providers so do my best to get what I need.
- The outcome: an increased sense of satisfaction that I’m taking charge of my health.
- One obstacle: my tendency to become angry and emotional and speak without thinking.
- My plan: to sit quietly for 10 minutes before any appointment and consider what could happen and my options for response.
Identifying the obstacle makes this approach different and I find it a game changer. I think you’ll agree. But when it’s all said and done, I intend to give myself a loving pass when my emotions take over and my brain takes a back seat. I hope you do, too.
Do you want help with changing your behavior and achieving your goals ? Contact me or just hit reply to discuss about what we’d do together so you can take charge — where you can!
Andrea says
Multiple medical appointments are sometimes worse than having illnesses that require them, and managing them is critical to maintaining my physical and mental health. As part of my WOOP planning, I try to research the new doc before I ask my family doc for a referral. I look for the buzz words that matter to me – “good listener”, “complicated patient”, “ordered tests”, etc. This lowers my anticipatory anxiety going into the situation. Then I prepare ALL my questions. Then I distill my questions down to the one or two or three I absolutely need answered – I set up the “goals” that will make me leave satisfied. I never assume I’ll be seen on time – expecting this is a set-up for negative emotions and feeling I’m not worthwhile. Instead, I view waiting as a sign the doctor gives each patient the time they deserve – a very desirable quality in a doctor. If the worst happens (i.e. I wait, then get rushed) I’m prepared to say to the doc, “I waited a long time to see you – including for my first appointment, and just now in your waiting room. But now that it’s my turn, I need a couple of issues dealt with before I leave here.” Practice saying this this calmly and evenly. If the doc doesn’t respond professionally to this, part of my plan is to ask for another referral. This is my backup plan to ensure I get something worthwhile from a bad scenario, including my dignity. I have always preserved something worthwhile.
Rosalind says
Thank you, Andrea. You sound like a very thoughtful person and I appreciate your input here. It sounds like you’re doing your best with the challenges and you’re preserving your ‘self’ and dignity in the process. Cudos to you.
Diana says
I was forced to change careers to accommodate my many medical appointments. I can no longer work at an office-based desk job–my managers continually got upset about me leaving for medical appointments (despite me staying late or coming in early to make up the time–I never worked fewer than 8 hours a day).
So, I switched to a sales job that I hate but that gives me the flexibility to work from home, unsupervised, most of the time. Now I can go to my doctor appointments, and no one knows.
As often as possible, I take the last doctor’s appointment of the day, because even if he/she runs late, I don’t have to worry, because I don’t have to rush back to work.
Rosalind says
It’s sad that we, patients, have to make these changes– and hopefully, this will not always been the case. Thanks for sharing what you’ve done. Good ideas here!
Susan Keane Baker says
Your well-written piece makes me regret times I’ve electively chosen the first appointment of the day when others may have needed that time slot more. Do you know of any organizations that reserve safe time slots (e.g., first of the day, first after lunch) for patients with chronic illnesses?
Annie says
Hi Rosalind, I am reading your website for your advice, and I thought about this issue as well. This WOOP idea is very interesting, and can apply to so many scenarios! Thank you for sharing and hugs!
When I am in your situation, my reaction is very different…although I may feel EXACTLY like you when I return to work. Right now, usually if a doctor runs late, I am hopeful that this means the doctor spends a lot of time listening to their patients, and if so, maybe this doctor will listen carefully and help me more than other doctors who brush their patients’ problems away.
I have other triggers about medical visits though. It is so hard not to bring all our emotions to the doctor’s office. I too lost my temper recently (for a different reason) and my doctor forgave me. My openness was not a “scarlet letter” as I feared. So if you blow up, remember that you and others with chronic illnesses are always worthy of forgiveness. No one is perfect and you are dealing with a lot…it’s not your fault and you are trying your best. I will be reading more posts on your blog soon. Good night.
Rosalind says
HI Susan – I don’t think it’s your responsibility to choose first appointments or not. It would and should be office protocol, should it? I don’t know of any organizations that consider patients with chronic illness as different — and I can imagine that would be a logistical nightmare. Diabetics are always given priority when scheduling surgical procedures in the hospital where I get my care.
Rosalind says
Hi Annie – It’s funny how many have said that when their doctors run late, it means to them that they’re listening carefully. I wrote this post not to criticize the providers who do run late but to emphasize that it’s up to us – the person who feels angry with another behavior – to take charge of the response we have. Thanks for sharing.