She was having a bad health day with debilitating ulcerative colitis symptoms when a coworker commented, “I hope you feel as good as you look.”
My client shared this with me because she was surprised by how good it felt to hear this. At least, she said, someone wasn’t making assumptions based on how she looks — ‘like judging a book by it’s cover’ .
If you’re living with a chronic illness, do you know that disconnect between how you look and what you’re experiencing? When people assume how you’re feeling based on how you look, it can be so isolating and uncomfortable because you typically don’t feel as good as you look. It’s even more difficult when someone asks how you are, you say that you’re not feeling so well and the response is, “But you look so good.”
Once, when I shared that how hard this with a ‘healthy’ friend, her response was, “But wouldn’t it be worse if you look as dreadful as you feel?”
Neither is good. But when you’re told you look fine, how can you say, “But I feel like crap!” without others thinking you’re being a drama queen. The truth is we don’t have a window into anyone’s internal experience, emotional or physical. The only way we know is if they share it. But unlike an acute problem, such as a back strain or a dissolved relationship, a chronic health problem will not heal. This disconnect between your internal experience and what shows externally doesn’t change.
Which is why my clients talk about this as much as they do. We, who live with chronic health issues, spend an inordinate amount of time on this issue. There are times when you can explain that you don’t feel the way you look. But when the relationships are relatively impersonal, such as work, that’s often too much detail. It’s easy to create misunderstanding and even more psychic distress for yourself.
So, the next time you greet someone, try out, “I hope you feel as good as you look”. You’d be modeling it for others. And you must know someone who could benefit from hearing this, too? Forward this post on.
Debra says
I just take it as a compliment and say, “Thank you.” I don’t think the person is trying to deny our illness; rather, she’s being polite and trying to lighten the topic, which is often the appropriate thing to do in the workplace and in social settings.
Rosalind says
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Debra. Your point is well taken – most people are not invested in denying our illness and it’s wise to remember that.
endohope says
I love the sentiment of this sentence. I don’t think I would be able to use it though, perhaps it’s because I have a chronic illness under my belt too but I find that I am far more attuned to determining when someone else is uncomfortable or in pain.
I can quite often see past those attempts to hide how someone is really feeling and that is one of the positives about chronic illness I suppose, everyone around me might not be too brilliant all the time as communicating with me about my illness but at least it’s improved my understanding of others in turn.
My thoughts at the moment is to tell those around me to ask lots of questions about my chronic illness rather than respond with silence. I’m pretty sure that most people who are chronically ill never get bored of answering questions about their illness, the vast majority would really rate more people around them who asked more questions in an attempt to understand.
Rosalind says
Thanks for sharing this ENDOhope. I like what you wrote in your post — You’ve posed some really thoughtful ideas here and worth everyone’s time to think about it.