The other evening, we were out with friends and discussing some of the people we all know who are experiencing health issues — how they were managing and how it had changed lives. Bobby looked thoughtful. He said that one of the guys in the group of 50 he manages, (I’ll call him P), has Parkinson’s Disease. P had told him about this 5 years ago when he was diagnosed but hadn’t mentioned it since. Bobby asked me if I thought this was strange.
I asked Bobby what made him bring this up. He said he didn’t know — maybe it was all the talk about people and illness. When I asked if anything about P’s performance had changed, Bobby sat back to think about it.
Bobby described the changes he’d seen. P had taken more personal time off in the past year. P had used all his vacation days, which had never happened before. And, P had refused a promotion.
When I asked Bobby if he had ever asked P how things were going with the illness, he said no. He figured it was up to P to bring it up. He didn’t want to intrude or invade P’s privacy. Then, Bobby asked me if I agreed, since it’s my ‘work’.
I said that I didn’t have enough information to know anything for sure. But in my experience, some people won’t bring up illness even after disclosure. They worry that they’ll be perceived as complaining, or worse, as unable to do their work. Or sometimes, they just figure you’ll ask if you want to know.
Bobby said he might bring it up in their next one on one meeting. He thought he’d just ask about it, in a neutral tone. Sounded good to me.
That conversation came back to me when a client talked about her boss who felt patronizing and intrusive. Clearly, there are some minefields to avoid when you bring up the topic of chronic illness with a co-worker — or particularly someone you supervise:
- Don’t bring up “illness” when you’re dealing with a problem. Wait for a time when the employee is less likely to feel that you are making assumptions because of illness.
- If you do ask about illness impact, focus on work performance rather just life in general. Your role at work is to be concerned with work.
- Ask how you can best be helpful. Don’t assume your advice is wanted or needed nor that you can guess.
What do you think? Would you find it intrusive or helpful if your boss asked you how you’re doing with your illness? What might make a difference?
Carol Eason says
I work at a ministry, and my boss really does care and can tell when my chronic illness (Chronic Lyme Disease) is impacting my work. She not only notices me but gives me work to do that I can handle more easily when I do have a migraine or something. Not everyones workplace is like this, but because of a thoughtful boss I am able to continue working.
Rosalind says
You are fortunate, Carol. I have a hunch that your boss finds it even easier to support you because she respects and likes you. Thanks for sharing this. It’s good to hear positive stories!
Karen in East Texas says
I really think it would depend on the boss. I’ve had a boss in the past that had few interpersonal skills. Much how what he said came across as sarcastic, demeaning etc.
Now however I have a wonderful boss. While he may not want to know specifics per se. He does ask me frequently how am I doing and really cares what my response is.
It’s a fine line.
Rosalind says
Thanks for your thoughts, Karen. I’m delighted for you that you have a wonderful boss.
Isabel says
I, too, have a wonderful boss who knows I have a chronic illness (multiple sclerosis). She will occasionally ask me how I am doing, which I appreciate. I had to turn down a promotion at one time and at one time had to ask that certain duties that I had been assigned be assigned to someone else (too much stress involved). My boss understood. I don’t tell her specifics, but she does appreciate knowing that I would be willing to do more if I didn’t have this illness, so she knows the reason is physical rather than conscientiousness.
Rosalind says
You’re fortunate to have such a boss and you’re clearly doing a solid job of communicating your situation. Good for you!
Doug says
I have been diagnosed with a chronic illness. Early on I told my boss because I had no idea how it would affect my work. I am very private and do not like to talk about my medical issues. I have not missed much work, though there are times I felt terrible. I have finished my projects and met all deadlines. Recently, my illness took a turn for the worse and my Doctor increased and added some medications. My Doctor told me the medications have strong side effects and I might have to miss some work. The other day we had an unusual work situation where it was announced that next week a group of us were going to have to ride in a van all day, for three days. My participation was not mandatory, but I know my boss wants me to go. Had I known this was coming up I might have waited to increase my medication. My Doctor warned me not to suddenly stop my medicaiton. I have only been on the medication for a week or two and have been sick to my stomach, having bad cramps, having headaches, and vertigo. But, as usual, I have been at work most everyday. Just riding as a passenger in my wife’s car has caused me to have car sickness. My Doctor said the side effects should level off in a month or so and really wants me to fight through them. There was no way I can ride in a van for three days. I apoligized to my boss and told him most likely I would not be able to go because of the illness and medication. However, my boss was very uncaring, it felt like he mocked me and rolled his eyes. He still said he hoped I could go. I have notice him treat other people in the office with chronic illnesses and women who are pregnant nicely and with care and concern. The other people in our office who have an illness constantly discuss their problems, miss work, and have asked for several favors or breaks. I think by keeping quite, working through my illness, or not being definitive my boss does not believe my illness is as bad as it is. I am not sure what I will do.
Rosalind says
Let’s face it: Each person’s life story and each event requires a different tactic — meaning that you have to be able to assess what is needed in each moment. That requires staying ‘light’ on your toes – resilient. And that’s really really hard. I know. You were using your life strategy to these situations, keeping quiet and private, and that worked. Until it didn’t. Do you need a new strategy – a new approach? When you figure that out, you’ll be in a better position to decide and put into action what you think you should do. I have a coaching program, called “Just in Time” http://www.cicoach.com/services.html that can be useful for this type of challenge. I wish you the best whatever you decide.