If you’ve been reading this blog for the past 9 months, you know that I had a bad health setback. Last August, I had a bad fall left me with broken ribs and a banged up shoulder. It took months to figure out the cause/treatment of on-going pain which turned out was a torn rotator cuff. Meanwhile, blurry vision in one eye led to a new diagnosis in my disease list, Possner Schlossman. I had a history of eye disease and had been up close with pain. And, as always happens, these things seem to trigger the multiple sclerosis symptoms — banding, fatigue, etc.
Whine, sigh. I ‘d been living this life for 30+ years in which my health could get really bad. But even if when it took years, I was Ms. Optimism holding onto the faith that I’d deal with whatever came up.
The thing is, this time felt different. I’m turning 60 in a few months and maybe that plays a part. But the physical injuries/raw pain + another chronic issue left me off kilter – – out of balance. After months of physical therapy and two cortisone shots, the pain was getting worse. I wondered — maybe the years of illness were catching up and my body wasn’t as resilient.
I couldn’t find anything resembling my usual sense of hope. Even when I “Focused” (do you know about focusing??? It’s better than therapy and meditation — ask me about it) with my Focusing partner, I couldn’t find it. OR resilience. Funny thing . . . hope and resilience aren’t something anyone can see in you. I just knew it wasn’t there. When my business slowed with several clients ending and no new ones in the pipeline, I didn’t look for new work projects as I typically do. The juice just wasn’t there. Do you know what I mean?
I told myself I wasn’t depressed. I was realistic. Really?
About two months ago, I went back to my physical therapist to see if he could help me. I didn’t think it would help but he suggested another exercise to strengthen my motion. I literally had to push myself to add it to my exercise plan. Desperate, I also started doing the Tai Chi form after 35 years for my balance. Hmmm, maybe there’s still some place called hope in there.
Whatever the reason, within a few weeks the pain changed and improved. Each time I did the new shoulder exercise, my shoulder seemed to move better. As the pain receded, physical and psychic energy built.
Maybe you recognize this syndrome: I’d gotten used to feeling lousy and it was hard to redefine myself, remember that even if I was a little tired, I could probably push through it now. There were many days I had to remind myself that I was getting better. I could push myself harder again — that I had to do it.
Slowly the nerve pain and the “banding” that came on with the shoulder pain, disappeared. A month ago, I cooked for several hours at a time over a few days, something I hadn’t done since last summer. I could walk the dogs again without worry if they pulled. This past weekend, I gardened hard for two days in a row. I’m planning to kayak again if it ever gets above 60 here. These were all on my list of things I’d have to let go of. Not for now.
Funny thing, I have an abundance of new clients and prospects in the pipeline and some really interesting projects, even a speaking gig that requires travel. And I’m looking at this with excitement. Amazing.
I didn’t think I’d feel this good in my body again. I’m not sure I feel the same resilience, though, that’s for sure. Maybe that’s part of what my Dad used to call the “aging process”. But it sure is good to know that my ability to heal hasn’t left completely.
Mary says
Oh, this article really struck a chord! I have had chronic pain for 7 years now. But two years ago, I had a sudden severe setback: a pain in a new location, several points higher than my “normal” pain, and interfering with the most basic daily tasks. The pain was difficult to diagnose, and while my doctors run a few tests, they almost immediately started saying that this pain does not fit any specific disease; therefore it must be a general chronic pain phenomenon; therefore the appropriate treatment for me should be just accept the new situation, learn stress management and get treatment for my anxiety/depression.
And yes, I was depressed and anxious. I felt like my life was falling apart. I still had my job, and they were very patient, but it was clear that I would be unable to keep working full time (if at all!) with the symptoms I was experiencing.
Throughout that period, my pain management doctors mentioned “resilience” and “flexibility” more then once. They were using those terms in a specific context – “ability to find different solutions, different ways to achieve the life goals”, and in my context implying that I should focus on giving up search for medical relief, getting a “less stressful” job, giving up some of the exercise that I truly enjoyed in favor of the very limited things that I could actually do. Because yes, there is a lot of research showing that people who are flexible and resilient do better.
In my case, I think the true resilience was not giving up in face of the doctors’ discouraging suggestions and my own depression. I kept insisting that their hypotheses about chronic pain and over-sensitization of nervous system did not fit my particular clinical picture (I had specific arguments for that, based on my own research). After 9 months of trying, at the point of giving up, I found a physical therapist who diagnosed a specific problem, replicated my symptoms and suggested a solution.
I agreed to try the proposed treatment, and stuck through a number of painful therapy sessions, and home exercise. The results were above and beyond anything I expected. I saw promising improvements after about 2 months. And then after a year of treatment am back to my “normal” illness – which means I have renewed strength and energy, doing the activities I enjoy, starting new projects at work.
And the other day I was telling a friend exactly what you said: in that year when I was in severe pain and without hope, I’ve gotten used to feeling lousy, and now I have to re-learn that it is OK to do a variety of things, to push myself again, to participate in life from which I have withdrawn.
Would I have gotten better if I stuck with “resilience” defined as accommodating the new disability rather than looking for something to fix the problem? I don’t think so. I eventually had my diagnosis confirmed by a second specialist, and it is possible but doubtful that I would have recovered from that setback without additional help. Was I lucky? I think I was, many people go looking for that fix forever and never find anything. But I think it is unrealistic to expect from someone to deal with setback after setback by “managing your life” and “letting go”, and sometimes persistence in looking for solutions in the face of depressing odds is an important component of resilience, as well.
Jason Reid says
What a wonderful post Rosalind. I find it really resonates with me.
One of the mixed blessings of being human is the ability to adapt to a “new normal”.
Trying to figure out if feeling lousy is simply “the new normal” or something that you can change is one of the most difficult challenges we face. I’m glad you found something that worked.
Jason
Jacqui Barrett-Poindexter, Master Resume Writer says
What a journey, Rosalind. I’m so glad to hear you say, “maybe there’s still some place called hope in there.”
Your words encourage others experiencing the same struggles, doubts, frustrations and pain.
All the best to you today, tomorrow – onward.
Warmly,
Jacqui
Rosalind says
Thanks, Jaqui. Back at you!
Rosalind says
Jason – it’s so true, isn’t it about “normal”. I’m glad something worked, too. We all know that’s not always true and I feel like lucky.
Rosalind says
Mary – it’s clear it’s a journey no matter when it happens and how. And no matter how many times we might go through it all again, there’s always a new twist. Something else to learn about ourselves. Thanks for sharing.