Bullies are not news. Nor is it news that children or adults get bullied. But, of course, now that it looks like this behavior can lead to suicide, those in charge feel moved to legislate it.
Who are they kidding? Do they really think that’s the way to change behavior?
Now I found this interesting: According to European researchers, “ Kids with chronic illness, disability are more likely to be bullied”.
Hmm. I’m wondering what would provoke researchers to look at workplace bullying and chronic illness.
I can hear it now: Adults with chronic illness are more likely to be bullied by co-workers and bosses. All bullies must be reported and those who are found guilty will be fired.
It doesn’t take a PhD in psychology to understand why bullying happens. Two factors have to be present:
- There’s no one around to stop the bully and he or she has free rein.
- The person being bullied is vulnerable for one reason or another.
Let’s look at the second reason. What can make you more vulnerable at work than living with chronic illness?
- No one can predict when they’re going to get a cold or flu. But if you live with chronic illness, you know you’re going to get sick frequently, for longer periods of time and often, in surprising ways. That kind of unpredictability leads to feeling vulnerable and off balance.
- When you’re not feeling physically or mentally healthy and strong, you can easily feel dull witted and weaker than those around you. Sometimes you actually are — though sometimes it’s just how you feel. This type of weakness increases a sense of vulnerability.
- Chronic illness – pain or fatigue symptoms – can consume your energy and your time, leaving you with little left over. This makes it hard to get things done and others have to pick up the slack. This leads you to feeling vulnerable to how others respond to you.
There have been times that I’ve felt like crying when I hear what some people endure to keep working — to stay at a job. I don’t blame others for feeling resentful that chronic illness can mean that a person can’t always be the top worker. But when this is your story, when you’re living with illness, you don’t have to listen to the complaints, snide comments or unasked for advice.
And that brings me to point #1, why people bully. Bullies are almost always vulnerable people themselves. No matter how much you need your job, you don’t have to put up with abuse. Your challenge, should you be up to it, is to not allow the bully to bully you.
How is it going for you?
Baffled says
When I first got sick, two of my supervisors called me into a meeting and threatened me with a bad review unless I stopped missing work. I looked this up and it is against the law to give someone a bad review due to illness. I reported the incedent in detail in writing to HR. I have no idea of how this matter was resolved since I became housebound shortly afterwards.
Christina Gombar says
This post really hit home for me. You are so right about the feeling “dull witted” and vulnerable. When I was working sick I always managed to get my work done, and do it well, but in a corporate environment, this isn’t enough. So much of how you’re percieved is social interaction — and when I was weak and ill, I didn’t have the extra energy for all the office chit chat and politicking.
Unfortunately, the person who bullied me out of that job was my best friend at the time. Bullying is a very tricky thing. It’s so prevalent, and even necessary in the work force, in order to keep unruly employees in line, It’s hard to discipline it when exercised by a person in authority, because that person was usually appointed to a managerial position because of his/her ability to intimidate others. At a distance of ten years, I’m good at spotting bullies now, and avoiding them.
Rosalind says
Hi Christina – Your thoughts resonate for me -But do you mean to say that bullying is necessary? Any system, be it work, family or an association of like minded people, relies on norms. Discipline should not intimidate – it should be a clear statement of expectations and results. Managers or co-workers who do otherwise create an atmostpher of fear and stifle creativity. Bullies need to be “outed” and marginalized.
Christina Gombar says
Well — there’s a thin line between being firm and bullying. I can say that in a couple of fields I’ve worked in — journalism and Wall Street — a kind of bullying and occasional character assassination, a drill seargent approach, is common, or deadliens and sales goals don’t get met. In comapnies where some fear wasn’t in place, there was a lot of dead wood and incompetence and waste, which is also frustrating.
The problem with work place bullies is they aren’t always bullies — the friend who bullied me was extremely charming and funny and knew how to play up to upper management as well as reduce her staff to tears. Personally, I hated being a manager when I was one at age 27, because when I gave routine and matter of fact criticism to an underling, she seemed so hurt. I don’t have the stomach for it. So managers need to be tougher than I was then.
A fear-inducing attitude can be very destructive. I worked at AIG and former CEO Hank Greenberg was known to enjoy keeping his staff on their toes by keeping them in a state of terror to meet his mandate of a 15% growth in sales, revenue and market share every year. This proved to be an impossible goal over the long term.
I think many work places are more aware of bullying now — but some businesses have tough cultures where everyone is subject to bullying — not just women, minorities or the disabled.
DJ says
It’s hard when the bullies are your direct supervisors, and in turn, their manager. (I am a woman – and the three people of whom I speak are all women. The myth of “mean girls” is no myth.) I have MS, and due to severe fatigue issues was put in a position where I revealed my condition. Additionally, I was directed to see the corp. nurse, who was EXTREMELY knowledgable about MS but kept denying that there were any fatigue or cognitive issues associated with the condition. She insisted that I bring in my MRIs and then assured me that she had seen far worse and insisted that any fatigue or cognitive issues could not be a result of the MS (and my understanding is that there is not necessarily a correlation between lesion load and cogitive or fatigue issues). About a year later, I discovered a posting on the website of the local chapter of the NMSS that this nurse had MS (she had a unique surname and the posting was by her daughter – and I knew her first name). I went to this woman and told her that I knew (in a spirit of candor) and she immediately begged/demanded my secrecy – no one in the company knew her “secret”. Bottom line, they built a case to terminate me. This is how it went in the end; on a Friday morning I rushed 300 miles to a hospital to my father’s side (he was in the midst of chemotherapy for non-Hodgkins lymphoma and I was in the midst of applying for family leave) because he had been found unresponsive that morning. I spent 48 straight hours at his side and return home Sunday nite. Monday instead of going to work (where I was scheduled to have a meeting w/the senior manager) I took the day off due to exhaustion and to visit the dentist (thought that I had craked a tooth from clenching my teeth – wouldn’t have been the first time – but that turned out only to be extreme jaw pain – I had already cracked the tooth in question and I was clenching on a crown). On Weds I traveled 80 miles (primarily by train) for a check-up w/my MS doc. On the way home from train staion (15 miles) my 14 year old car died (and as it turned out, breathed it’s last breath). On Thursday morning, I attended a department meeting and then had my deferred meeting with the manager – as well as HR – where I was terminated. That Sat I returned to my father’s side and he went into ICU approx 2 hrs after I arrived, and passed away that Mon afternoon (on my wedding anniversary). I was so devistated that I did little more than sit on the sofa and drive 600+ miles round trip every 3 weeks to check on my mother (fortunately my parents live in a senior community, so she was never alone). It is now 31 months since that week and this week I have begun looking for work. My Linkedin profile is in place and when I close this I will be writing my resume. I should be applying for work by tomorrow afternoon. My good fortune is that the company I worked for was going through a workforce reduction beginning around the time I separated and that accelerated with business conditions and the general economy (this was no small company – Fortune 150). I will explain the gap with the time spent helping my parents, followed by time working in my husband’s business. I do not ever plan to reveal my condition to an employer again. Cross your fingers for me.
Mary Matulaitis says
I have several chronic illnesses and I know exactly how everyone else feels. I look ok on the outside, but inside I have several autoimmune things going on that make me feel sick and very vulnerable at times. I work with difficult people who now treat me like a leper, when I need their support the most. My bosses last year were actually pulling people into the office to see “what is wrong with Mary”. I was mortified, and actually had to go the the head boss, who is a woman, and informed her of what was going on. She had a “chat” with the offenders, and suggested that I get an “as needed” medical leave, so my sick days don’t count against me. My doctor was great with this, so now I won’t get fired. But I feel very self-concious and alone in my job now. People don’t even eat with me anymore or walk out to my car with me. I really learned who my friends were when I got sick.
Rosalind says
Hi there – Your good fortune, as you put it, is that you clearly have strong skills, good insight and resilience that will get you through this. You’ve clearly been through a horrible time and yet I don’t doubt that you will find work again. It makes me so sad to hear your story but it’s not unfamiliar. The other side of this is when people don’t disclose, they don’t get the help they need, their performance suffers and — even worse, others think they ‘re just bad workers.
I don’t think there is ever one right response. I can understand why you’d choose not to disclose in future though! I hope that you are successful finding a job and that it’s in a more flexible environment than you were in!
Mary Matulaitis says
Dear Baffled, I know exactly how you feel. When I had my evaluation this year, I knew there was something up when my boss was sitting in the office with his boss. Last year my boss made me cry at my eval. This year, I was determined that was not going to happen. They sat me down, went over my eval, and said I had had 6 days off in the past year (we are allowed 9), and I had to do better and be more like the “others” I work with. I said that I was not like the others, I have several chronic, debilitating medical problems.
After that, that is when I went to the big boss and managed to get me “as needed” medical leave. I definitely feel your paiin. When you need support the most, people let you fall and feel isolated and alone.
FibroDAZE says
It’s not just the workers w/ chronic illness that are bullied, indirectly I was bullied through a co-worker of my husband’s (said co-worker is the victim of a bully @ work, and so it goes – the bully picks on those who he “perceives” to be weaker than him in order to make himself feel better.) Anyways here is my post about it: http://www.bignoise-enterprises.com/blog/2010/12/09/bully-for-you-bully-for-me/
Rosalind says
So true that anyone who bullies will look far and wide for targets. That’s why it’s a mistake to fall linto trap the illness, alone, makes us vulnerable.
Kathy says
Even here in Australia where this type of thing is highly illegal it still happens. The most memorable time was the staff christmas lunch which was a cruise on sydney harbour. Sounds nice? Not with a big headache. There were only a few staff left by this time I think about four. The bully my nasty boss and others I can’t remember. We came down on the ferry from parramatta and I knew it would hurt for me but if I went home I would be in trouble for being anti social and costing the company a cruise ticket. The bully saw me take a painkiller on the ferry. An hour or so later I wanted some extra due to the glare and the food and the stress. I must have told her. I went to the bar for some water. She told me I wasn’t alllowed to have my painkiller as I already had one and stood over me at the bar to make sure I didn’t. I regret not looking her dead in the eye and doing it anyway. I went to the bathroom and had my painkiller in spite of her. (I left 6 weeks later) This is the tip pf the iceburg.
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