Chronic illness can foster a bad attitude. Have you noticed how negative thinking creates negative behavior? Now flip that idea and you’re into the positive psychology school of thought. I’m skeptical about ‘quick fixes’ for tough, long standing behavior.
But from my own experience, you can retrain the way you think. It takes 3 things: determination, hard work and patience.
When I returned to work after several years of illness-induced unemployment, I knew the toughest part for me would be keeping a positive mental attitude at work. I’d always been able to stay upbeat about my health yet I’d get very negative about work.
But I could no longer afford that attitude. I challenged myself to change my thinking. I did. And that has been one of my proudest accomplishments in my professional life.
No doubt it’s easier for some to take charge of their thoughts than others. Most of us have to adopt new practices and work long and hard to change how we think about things to create new behavior.
Recently, a client was talking about her anger at work. She’d asked for certain accommodations that she believed would allow her to move from part time status to full time. Her request was rejected and she’s deeply angry. Her anger about her illness — and other life difficulties – have surfaced with this. Very understandable. But now her bad mood at work has created worse problems. For the first time, she’s getting negative performance feedback .
Working from my workbook with The Pulse, an exercise I created, she’s practicing to be more self observant and slow down her responses. It’s not a quick fix. It might not help her keep this job but she can learn to understand her experience and manage her emotions and thoughts better for the long haul.
Living with illness presents the challenges, frustrations, loss and opportunities. The same as healthy people face. But because we’ve lost so much, we have to work harder to make the most of what is available to us.
When you’re in pain or fatigue, it’s tempting and easy to be angry or sad. How much does that influence your behavior? Does it get in your way? What can you do?
PASS THE WORD:
MOTHER’S DAY SPECIAL: Do you want to work with a coach to achieve greater job satisfaction? For the month of May 2010, I am offering a special deal to all newsletter subscribers:
When you make an investment in your career and sign up for 3 months of career coaching with me, you will get 50% off my regular fee for 3 months. (That’s a $450.00 savings!) And you get my workbook ($40), pictured above, for free.
Note: You must have a chronic illness or chronic condition and you must be currently employed or actively looking for a new job or career.
Want to know more? Email me, Rosalind@cicoach.com, and put May Special in the subject line.
Mary says
I definitely get more irritable when I am in pain or lack sleep. Though I think it is not the anger at my condition per se – but when I have many tasks on my plate but have difficulty concentrating due to pain, I can get either very negative or very irritable. I have tried to mitigate it by telling people ahead of time if things are particularly bad, and I need them to slow down or be tolerant. I realize this is not going to work if I am in a bad mood all the time, but so far I have been lucky and my co-workers both helpful and tolerant of my failings.
Where my anger tends to surface is interactions with doctors. I had some very good doctors in the past, but I also had lots of problems with denied coverage or doctors ignoring my symptoms, and recently I noticed that I am more likely to jump to negative conclusions about their intentions and attitudes. I think it is not helping with getting good care, but I have not yet figured out how to fix this as yet.
Rosalind says
Interesting dynamic, Mary. It would be easy to assume you’re not behaving as “reasonably” with your doctors because you’re not getting the results you want. That may be true. Communications/your equal investmnt in your outcomes, etc., might contribute. What other things might be in the way?
GL Hoffman says
Good post. I think changing a lifetime of negative thinking must be difficult. When do you think is the perfect time to catch a negative thinker and help them make the change?
Do they have to be in the right frame of mind? How can you set the stage for this to happen?
I still think the best way you can affect this change is to literally be a sunshine pump to every one around you. Nothing works better than modeling the right behavior.
yes or no?
Rosalind says
A lifetime of negative thinking is REALLY hard to change. Easier if it’s something that’s just gotten worse due to external circumstances (such as new illness or loss of job). But that said, I think it’s hard to show someone they’re negative since they probably know it. READINESS is key-they have to want to see it and want to change and be willing to work at it (as always 3 things!) I don’t think that modeling it helps. From my experience (when I was negative), another’s sunshine is just a reflection of your own negative. That sunshine pump can easily get depleted!
Mary says
I agree that readiness is a big deal. Being a sunshine pump can backfire, actually. I often know when I am being negative. But there are genuine, major challenges in my life. I have been in situations when I felt dismissed because the other person was trying so hard to find a positive way to frame my problems. I end up saying “no, I tried it” and “no, this won’t work” so many times that I only feel more depressed about not having a solution for anything.
There is now scientific evidence (for example, work of Joanne Wood at the University of Waterloo) that “forced” positive thinking actually makes things worse for many people, resulting in lower self-esteem. It’s still worth trying to change negative thinking patterns, but there is no quick fix there.
Mary says
Rosalind, I think you hit the nail on the head about why I am less reasonable with doctors – I indeed am not getting the results I want. When I think harder about it, my boss at work is extremely supportive. If indeed I could not get the necessary accommodations, like the client you described in the post, I may well feel just as negative and bitter as I feel towards my doctors.
I agree with you – it is better to find the way out of the negativity, if there is no way to change the situation. I guess what spoiled this for me is that a number of doctors started talking about my problem (back pain) as insolvable early on, and pushing me towards “you may just have to live with pain”. While I recognize that I am not going to get a cure, adopting this attitude after trying just 10 physical therapy appointments (and nothing else – not even any tests) never seemed reasonable to me. It took me ages to find a primary care physician who respects me and supports my goals with respect to managing pain. By that time, the negative pattern has set in, and now it is so much harder to overturn it.
Rosalind says
Mary- Great points. True that others might perceive you as negative even if you’re just trying to be realistic. I also agree that about learning to “live” with something versus learning to manage it. All this is why I encourage people to get the support (either a therapist or coach) they need from someone who understands the issues before it becomes so entrenched! Too often that’s when people turn for help and are frustrated it’s SO hard.
Jason David Reid says
This is such a large and important topic Rosalind, but between you and the great comments so far, I think we really have a good starting point. I think you’re right to be wary of the quick fix and I also agree that positive thinking is actually tougher than most people think – particularly when in pain, under stress, or very tired – as many of us are.
It’s a constant battle, but I think we have a good handle on how to start – which is to recognize when our negativity is getting in the way. I remember when I was younger, I’d wake up and the sun would be shining and I would feel happy and then at some point I’d think “I have an incurable illness, I’m unemployed and I don’t have anyone special in my life” and suddenly be in the dumps. It’s almost as though I told myself I SHOULDN’T be happy. Boy was I my own worst enemy!
One of the best things that ever happened to me is ending up in ICU for two weeks on a ventilator. I couldn’t move, I didn’t have a window, the lights were on all the time. Nothing changed. It seemed like I was stuck in limbo forever. Even with those dramatic limitations I realized I still had choices. Choices in how I felt about myself. Choices in how I felt about the world. Even when nothing changes around you, you can make a world of change in your mind.
Rosalind says
You’re lucky in that you respond thinking positively. Not all of us do that naturally. But we have to work on changing that-especially when the negativity prevents us from getting what we need!
** I reread what you wrote, Jason and I have to add more.You’re epiphany in the ICU was striking. Do you think it was “sinking so low” that allowed you to appreciate what you had? I think it’s different for each of us.
Most importantly, I don’t want people to read this and think that feeling sorry for themselves is bad. I don’t think any “feelings” are “bad” — it’s what we do with them. And most importantly, how they impact our ability to thrive. Thoughts on this?
Jacqui Barrett-Poindexter says
Rosalind,
During and several years following the dismantling of my first marriage (I’m happily remarried now), and at the time, I thought, the crushing of my heart and my ‘future,’ I reveled in a somewhat negative lifestyle at times. This included sharing edgy humor and flippant conversations with others who were equally divorced and unhappy.
Part of this was due to my realizing that many happily married and unbroken people didn’t get my situation, so I gravitated to like-minded people. Or, so I thought.
At my core, I am hopeful and optimistic. Over time, I began making changes to my friendship and collegial circle, revitalizing and reframing my surroundings (internally and externally) to enrich my attitude vs. infect it further with negativity. I proactively rebuilt my fortress to help me not only survive but thrive in my changed world.
No, it wasn’t just about being around ‘polly-anna’ attitudes, but it was about surrounding myself with pragmatic support systems to whom I could occasionally vent, but who, for the most part chose hope over negativity. And who would hold me accountable for the same.
Life for the physically healthy and unhealthy is replete with unique challenges. I can in no way compare my personal experiences with divorce to someone’s experience with chronic illness. However, I hope to in some way relate my story to show that I believe there is always hope, and that positive thinking (and surrounding ourselves with other, hopeful attitudes) is the only way to move ahead with that hope.
Jacqui Barrett-Poindexter says
I might add, that sometimes surrounding yourself with the ‘right’ positive people who also are resources for your unique challenges is key.
In the instance of chronic illness, finding and taking advantage of a chronic illness career coach such as yourself is key to ‘moving ahead’ pragmatically, but with hope.
Too many times, I believe, we feel no one ‘gets us’ and our unique situations/problems. Rosalind, you GET people who have chronic illness, both through your years of professional coaching experience and through your personal chronic illness experiences.
Rosalind says
Thank you, Jac- that means a lot coming from you who also work with people on an “intimate” way.
Rosalind says
Thank you, Jac- that means a lot to hear
Marsha says
I’m a big believer in neuroplasticity and that certain “messages” are so-called “wired” into the neural networks of our brains. Depending on the situation, and on how often this “message” is “wired” into the brain over and over again, due to recurrence of situations, how often we hear something negative, etc. — the more difficult it can be to un/re-wire. However, the great thing about neuroplasticity, is that we can “re-wire” the brain; thus, negative thinking can be changed to positive thinking.
Rosalind says
You said it better than I did. THANKS for sharing!
Lotty says
In the past, I’ve managed to ‘fake it till you make it’. I was really depressed about a job, but realised I needed to show a positive attitude or things would REALLY deteriorate. So, I pretended – and in pretending actually found I cheered up myself. That was before I properly had pain and fatigue, though. There is usually one day a week when I’m feeling too tired, and I know I will take constructive criticism to heart and everything will feel emotionally 10-times more difficult. Now I find it better to just keep my head down until I’m feeling better again …
LesMerveilles says
What about when you are being bullied (not tough management, but being left out of the loop, set up to fail, not being given resources, left out of emails and meetings, rumours about capability and ability) and that is being added to the mix of fatigue and pain – how exactly does one maintain a veneer of positivity in that situation? Whilst I agree that attitude is all, there comes a point where one is worn down to a point of no return.
How do you suggest someone deals with a bully using your condition/disability as a weapon against you, even when you are doing everything in your power to carry on as normal?
Any ideas on that one?
Rosalind says
I don’t have enough information to respond. But it sounds like you should seek help from some source, either at work or an outside resource who can help you develop strategies and tactics to respond effectively. I’ve worked with people who have been bullied over the years and we can almost always turn it around. But this is not something that you should continue to tolerate, if for now other reason, than your health.