Are you sick of apologizing for things you can’t help?
It was a bad morning for Carol (not her real name). The chronic illness (take your pick: colon, migraine headache, muscle fatigue, breathing problems) was horrible. Only able to pay attention to how badly she felt, she made a quick decision to stay home from work that day. After emailing her supervisor that she wouldn’t be at work that day, Carol went back to bed. Later, when she felt better, Carol read her email messages.
Her supervisor wrote back reminding her that she and Mark (another person on the team) were scheduled to present a report to a client that morning. Without Carol’s part of the report, Mark couldn’t make the presentation and had to reschedule with the clients.
Here’s where the story gets painful:
When Carol called Mark (who knew about her illness) to discuss this, he was very angry. He said that he couldn’t work with someone who is unreliable. Carol took this to mean that he didn’t want to work with someone who got sick. She had rarely missed work and if one day could be so bad, she felt very vulnerable.
She berated herself for not going into work that day and “giving in to the illness”. She worried that if this unpredictable illness could mean the loss of this account, what else might happen? She wondered if she should quit. She thought that she couldn’t take the stress of worrying that others would be angry with her.
Wow. How did Carol get from taking a sick day to leaving her job so fast?
In fact, her error was not in missing work that day. Neither is she wrong to work while living with an illness. Carol’s only mistake was in not preparing herself and those around her for the possibility that she might be too sick to be at the meeting.
Carol can recover from this error. But only when she recognizes the real nature of what went wrong. In fact, in this particular case, her presence wasn’t even necessary. Had she prepared for the possibility that she could get sick, her absence would have hardly been noticed.
What should she have done?
She should have made sure that Mark had all of the materials he might need if he had to do it on his own. And she should have discussed the possibility with him in advance.
Carol does not have to apologize for living with an illness that is unpredictable and, at times, debilitating. But she can apologize for her very human error. Nothing more but that’s a lot.
I thought of this reading the post in the blog, A Chronic Dose, “When Things Go Awry: Making Sense of Medical Errors”. Laurie Edwards points out how medical errors are the result of human interaction and, no matter how we try to create systems to eliminate errors, they are inevitable. Saying you are sorry might not regain a lost client (in a bad case business scenario). It will certainly not bring back a life (in the worst case medical scenario). But saying you are sorry for your error gives everyone the opportunity to learn and to move on.
What can you do to prepare for the unexpected? What can you do when it happens?
Megan Oltman says
Very good point Rosalind! We need to focus on changing what we CAN change, and controlling what we CAN control. One thing we can change and control is the way we prepare. Maybe having a “what if” checklist handy – what if I can’t make it in tomorrow – who needs to be communicated with, what do they need. These are tools we can keep in our toolkits.
Rosalind says
Yes – a checklist is a good idea and something I’ve suggested — I think I wrote about it but it’s worth writing about again. Thanks!
Diana says
Hi Rosalind,
Thank you for this post. I’ve spent the better part of the last three years apologizing for my illness and how it has inconvenienced EVERYONE. The sad part is that I truly did feel guilty and ashamed. Hearing another person’s story is useful because I can see myself as C, and I probably would have wasted a day’s time writing long, agonized general apologies to everyone involved, while I would clearly have told C that she has no reason to apologize for her illness.
I learn here a great deal:
1. Afterward during the upset, it is critical to slow down and do whatever is possible to remain calm.
2. What bosses, colleagues, clients, and staff can say, especially in the heat of the moment, can hurt deeply, but it’s about them, not us; they all have jobs to do, and they are not in the mood to be compassionate when they are in hot water themselves. So we cannot take these responses to heart. I’ve learned to let people vent, and if they speak within reasonable boundaries, I just let it all go. There have been times when a person’s anger was so outrageous, I had to address it personally a few days later when I was capable of a thoughtful response.
3. If we tell our co-workers about our condition (most likely because it just can’t be helped), everyone is very kind and supportive. Again, these attitudes are for times when they are “in the mood”. Also, we simply cannot expect anyone to understand what we are going through; it’s just not going to happen.
4. The bottom line is, as Megan and Rosalind stated, that we have to be responsible and accountable for everything we possibly can. There are very few things we can control. And when we wake up feeling disoriented and sick and intensely pained, an email to alert work of our absence is sometimes the only control we can muster. On what days our pain will be vicious is certainly something we cannot control.
5. I try to get as much done in advance as possible, and then I send my materials to the relevant person so someone else has it. Since my pain is getting worse, I am considering hiring a virtual assistance, e.g. at http://www.assistU.com.
6. I have been blessed to have so many wonderful people on my support team throughout the years: doctors, nurse practitioners, coaches, spiritual directors, psychologists/psychiatrists. And my husband; I let him know what I have going for the coming week, and it is much nicer getting a sweet kiss and reminder in bed than getting blasted later on!
I hold all you “girlfriends” in the highest esteem for being able to “keep working.” I am learning to change my habits based on observation and journaling of when and why things go wrong (or discerning a pattern). I have learned a great deal about myself as well (good and bad). Facing the things I spent a lifetime trying to avoid was tough going for a while, but being chronically ill changes the priority of issues; things that used to be “life and death” matters may not even be on the list anymore. And amazingly, after a lot of effort, I find it easier to mentally deal with the overwhelm of work versus when I was healthy; again, looking at the world through the lens of pain is a priority-altering experience. Of course, I can’t ignore what I am being paid to do, but I asked my boss to allow me to drastically reduce my “urgent” responsibilities so I may focus on my “important” ones for this first year that I am essentially as back to work as I can be.
Warm wishes,
Diana
Rosalind says
Thank you for sharing that Diana. I honestly believe that being the best we can be means that we learn from our “errors” and grow.
Judith Wilson Burkes says
The main thing I maintain is a network. Having a chronic illness that eventually forced me from the corporate workforce, I remained in it as long as I could, because I had a network of co-workers, friends and family that kept the wheels turning, even when I was bedbound.
Planning ahead and letting everyone be on the same page is critical. No one can be expected to know or understand what we go through, and it is not their main concern. Their main concern may be a project or keeping their job or staying in budget and on time. I always approached it as do what needs to be done for success.
I am home now, but have returned to the world of business as an entrepreneur. It is just as important to have that network, that team behind the scenes that help keep the train moving.
Thank you, Rosalind for a great article!
Judith Wilson Burkes
Personal blog: http://uniquefamilylife.blogspot.com
Business blog: http://celebrateconnections.blogspot.com
Send Out Cards: www. sendoutcards.com/celebratec
Judith Wilson Burkes says
The main thing I maintain is a network. Having a chronic illness that eventually forced me from the corporate workforce, I remained in it as long as I could, because I had a network of co-workers, friends and family that kept the wheels turning, even when I was bedbound.
Planning ahead and letting everyone be on the same page is critical. No one can be expected to know or understand what we go through, and it is not their main concern. Their main concern may be a project or keeping their job or staying in budget and on time. I always approached it as do what needs to be done for success.
I am home now, but have returned to the world of business as an entrepreneur. It is just as important to have that network, that team behind the scenes that help keep the train moving.
Thank you, Rosalind for a great article!
Judith Wilson Burkes
Rosalind says
Yes to everything you’ve said. Network, planning, team.. Thanks for your input, Judith
Geena Murphy says
Another great migraine article! I always like read your blog so I always come back for more.
Rosalind Joffe aka cicoach.com says
I’m so glad that you like this. They’re not written specifically for migraineurs but the issues apply to anyone who lives with chronic illness. Please keep returning!
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