I hate these words: “he lost the fight with cancer” or “she’s so brave in the face of her illness – what a heroine.” Hate is a pretty strong word — but then I’ve been living with chronic illness for 30 years and some feelings have been building inside.
I’m thinking of the recent press coverage of Ted Kennedy’s brain cancer with quotes like, “He’s a fighter and he can beat this.” Or, “Kennedy in the latest fight of his life.”
If winning means beating it, then chronic illness leaves no winners. Is it our fault if we don’t “beat it”? Does that make you a loser if you don’t get well? If you cry or complain, does that mean you’re no longer brave? And are you making yourself sicker with that behavior? That’s a too big a responsibility and a slippery slope I won’t go down.
I grant that there’s something hopeful about the idea that we can ‘”beat this”. But I don’t believe this kind of optimism necessarily leads to better outcomes and it can lead you to ignore the stuff you can impact.
In a terrific opinion piece (“Fighting isn’t how you deal with cancer) in The Boston Globe, Judy Foreman quotes theologian Reinhold Niebur’s prayer, adopted by Alcoholics Anonymous and other groups: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”
In fact, studies show that people who are optimistic about getting better don’t do any better regarding disease outcomes than those who are pessimistic. When people have said to me, “Your great attitude is what made you better”, I wonder: If I hadn’t gotten better — would that mean I had a lousy attitude?
If he asks, I’ll give Teddy this piece of advice. Focus your optimism on that which you can do to feel as well as possible — while exploring all of your options. Figure out what you can control. Forget the fight but do take a moment to rock back and forth a few times while taking stock of those you love. Oh, and keep working. It seems to do you good.
Rosalind aka cicoach.com
Mark says
I totally agree, thank you for posting this!
Rosalind says
Thanks, Mark. So what verb should we use?
Mary says
I have been wrapped up this weekend in reading Randy Pausch’s book, “The Last Lecture” & then going on line and listening to his original lecture that spawned the book. And crying and crying in the process! His stuff really moved me (obviously) and I think speaks to this point of what to do with terminal illness. He writes and speaks about LIVING; overcoming obstacles (he calls them bricks walls in his talk)& helping others to obtain their dreams. He is big on time management and seizing every moment. He says that time is all we have and you may find one day that you have less than you think.
So while we have to acknowledge limitations imposed by our illness, I think we fight for control and ownership rather than the disease controlling us.
Mary
Heidi says
Rosalind, this really struck a note with me.
I oppose our cultural militaristic approach to life (Hummers, kid’s cammo, and war-like phrasing “weekend warriors” etc). A militaristic approach accomplishes little, even in the history of actual battles. So mounting a battle is extremely incongruous for health and illness alike. We all are ‘defeated’ eventually; eternal life is not the opposite of ‘losing the battle’. Many people face illness with a ‘win at all costs’ approach. They sacrifice their quality of life for a treatment (‘battle plan”) that is worse than the disease.
We need to focus on the process and the quality of our life; not focus on a tense, oppositional, defiance to the experience of illness. So many who have lived with illness talk about the incredible gifts it brings to their lives, that ‘healthy’ people miss: the sharpening of our senses, the moderation of our pace and our excesses, the apppreciation of life, and the pursuit of balance.
Your advice for the Senator is right on. Thank you for your words and wisdom.
Heidi
Rosalind says
You know, that’s the funny thing about these posts. Different messages strike people differently. I’m with you in the pursuit of balance. What do you do, Heidi, that works for you? Rosalind
Priscilla says
I agree. I’m so tired of the fighting thing. That idea did me a lot of harm. Stephen Levine says some interesting things on a closely related note. I think it was in Who Dies? that he wrote about a man who taught people to “fight” cancer mentally. He had some dramatic successes and these people became horrible to be with. The truth is none of us escapes. So what are we going to do with the choice we have? I say, be vulnerable, love, give as you are able, open your hands and receive this hard beautiful life.