Do you get annoyed when someone tells you how good you look (and you feel like “crap”?) According to one survey (and I’m always skeptic regarding surveys and who/how they’re done), 50% of people with chronic illness say they don’t like to be told they look good.
I’ve never felt that way — even when my face was puffy from prednisone, I was running fevers and I felt horrible. People are always surprised to hear my age (I turned 56 yesterday). Does that mean that they think I’m lying about my age?
I know that it can seem as if someone is saying that they don’t believe you when they tell you look good, but I think that’s rarely the case (although I don’t deny that there are some people who want to think that you’re exaggerating this — but hopefully you don’t surround yourself with those folks).
Nope, I think people say, “Boy, you sure look good” for three reasons:
1. They think you do look good.
2. In their minds, someone who feels as badly as you say you do should look worse — so they’re surprised and think they’re saying something that would cheer you up.
3. They think you look as badly as you feel but don’t want to say it and don’t know what else to say.
Okay, maybe I”m being a Polyanna. But it does make me feel good to hear that at least I look good. Why not? How often do you get good feedback about anything, anyway? Resenting this only increases your isolation and creates negative thoughts, such as, “This illness is so unfair that it doesn’t even make me look bad!”
And you, how do you feel about this?
Rosalind
Diana Brice says
I don’t get annoyed. I accept it as the compliment I think it’s meant to be. I do, however, wish that there was some way people who are healthy could understand how hard it is to appear healthy when most of what you’re struggling with is invisible to others. People frequently comment on my rosy countenance which signals health to them but to me I know that’s a sign that I’m probably running a low grade fever and need to slow down.
Rosalind says
I know what you mean. And, that’s worth a hundred more posts because it’s such a tough thing to communicate well. What to say, when and how…. lots to talk about on that.
Rosalind
Nancy Wechsler says
I think we have all run into these issues. And I continue to find it hard. From a friend or co-worker who has a sense there are things wrong, I’d at least like to hear, “You’re looking good, so how ARE you feeling?” And I’d like it all to sound sincere.
Sherril says
I usually feel uncomfortable when someone tells me i look good but I don’t feel good. I probably feel uncomfortable because I don’t tell people how I REALLY feel unless then sound like they really want to know. It kind of feels like lying but I’ve learned the hard way that I just don’t want to get into it with most people.
Rosalind says
You’re right, Nancy. So would I. But, I think you just frustrate yourself waiting for it to happen. People are people — and most people just don’t say or do the things we wish they did. That’s wehy we have to normalize this for ourselves, when possible. Good luck.
Lisa Copen says
I agree with you, that it’s always nice to be told you “look so good” because we know the person’s intent is to make us feel better. But I also think that for people who feel terrible, it’s another way they feel that people don’t understand th seriousness of their illness and immediately close themselves off to anything else the person has to say.
Among my chronically il friends, we can laugh and give one another a hug and say, “You look so good though!” because… frankly… it’s true! And I think you’ll find that as one grows emotionally the comments people say slip off of us a little easier. At the beginning of your diagnosis “You look great” can be much more heart-breaking than after you’ve lived with illness fifteen or twenty years.
But as the founder of Invisible Illness Week and was the one who conducted the survey, my goal for for this week is to (1) provide resources such as our 20 online chat seminars to increase people’s understanding of the issues they face, both emotionally as well as practically and (2) to educate those who are healthy the best ways to respond to the chronically ill, in order to truly be able to reach them. By knowing what to say or not say, one can knock down walls or stop sending up red flags when speaking to a chronically ill person. This can really open up the possibilty of having a much better relationshp, whether it’s just between friends or in a sutation such as a co-worker.
The next press release will be about how people would love to have others respond (such as “how are you REALLY?”) I think one of the best things we can do is increase communication between the chronically ill community and those who are healthy. For example, my ministry, Rest Ministries, specifically works with churches to help them better understand the life of those with chronic conditions so that they can communicate their intentions into language which those with chronic illness will be receptive to, rather than run from.
But I’ve also written books that teach people that no one is responsible for their feelings but themselves, such as “Why Can’t I Make People Understand? Discovering the Validation Those with Chronic Illness Seek and Why?” My point is, that although I desire for healthy people to better understand and respond appropriately to the chronically ill, I also try to educate people who are chronically ill to look beyond their illness and themselves and reach out to others. communicate their needs, have reasonable expectations and live life as normal as possible, despite the daily challenges.
I hope this explains my intentions and reasons for this particular survey. And that just over half responded that they wouldn’t want to be told they looked great. The other forty-something percent said it was another comment they’d prefer not to be told. It’s alll just a way for us (National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week) to be able to educate the public —and maybe even decrease the number of chronically ill people who have to deal with all those stares when you legally park in a handicapped spot.
Rosalind says
Thank you for explaining this, Lisa. I think it’s terrific that you’re doing this — and I write about this stuff here, primarily to get people to talk about how it feels and to get input. This topic is crucial to a person’s ability to manage a disease and I’m so glad that you’ve brought it out.