This week has been a difficult one. The January renewal energy, acceleration in my level of activity and some discomfort associated with a recent medical procedure are in conflict! I want to sleep but I can’t get completely comfortable for the entire night. I want to be productive, but I’m tired. So I get up at the usual time (I’m a morning person), plug along with my commitments and find myself completely out of energy between 4 and 5. I’m done! It doesn’t matter if the things I planned to get done yesterday or the day before do get done, my body has other things in mind. So I think, OK, tomorrow’s another day, I’ll get more sleep tonight. Except I don’t. My mind is full and my body a bit uncomfortable.
Having dealt with such cycles for quite a few years now, I know that the world will not end, what I don’t get done can wait and eventually my more natural rhythms will return. I let those who might expect responses within the business day know that I’ll get back to them tomorrow. Some projects will have to wait until next week.
Frustrating as these times are, they teach important lessons, most of all the value of becoming absolutely clear about priorities. Everything on my project list is not urgent. The less I stress about what’s not getting done the better. Most of the project activities and deadlines are self-imposed anyway. And, finally, lesson number a million and two: any worries that might keep me awake at night need to be dealt with during the day if only to write them down or share them with someone I trust.
Perhaps I’ll sleep tonight…
Joan
Diana says
Dear Joan,
I’m so sorry you are having these problems. Even though you have great perspective on it, it is still tough; I hope you get relief soon.
I greatly admire that you can even continue to work. I’ve not been showing up for work so long now, that there is an insurmountable barrier keeping me from returning. I’m the “boss” there, so my people really need me.
I’m exhausted, in pain, full of guilt and fear. I want to continue working; I’ve pared my priorities down to the “bare minimum” several times now.
A friend suggested I make a weekly plan of just one task a day that I should attack first thing. Getting one thing done each day would be a start. And presumably the momentum will pick up with time.
But I had an attack this morning, and I am in bed, waiting for the pain to subside. I feel out of it.
Is it “wrong” to let pain stop me? In my case, the more I do, the more painful my pancreatic area becomes. I feel psychologically paralyzed. I would appreciate any advice anyone has about getting myself to work.
Thanks and my best,
Diana
Rosalind says
Dear Diana,
I think that we all have to start at the same place: acceptance of what is. Otherwise, we live in self torment. There is the Buddhist philosophy of Being in the Moment. My husband and I used to joke: what happens when the Moment is horrible? But, in fact, that’s when it’s most important. Because when we can just stay present and not worry about how will things get done , who will pay the bills or how will I live my life if this continues in fact, these questions become easier to respond to. And often the moment feels less horrible because we’re not trying so hard to contain it.
But the above is philosophy. Here’s a practical question that might help you develop a paradigm for living with this. Is there a way to determine if activity which causes you pain actually hurts you or makes the disease or disease course worse? f you determine that the answer is no, then you might consider pain management techniques (either drug therapy or mind/body practices). Finally, you’ve probably looked at this also, but is there a way to work without physical activity?
Warmly, Rosalind
Julie says
Diana,
You ask “Is it ‘wrong’ to let pain stop me?” It’s not wrong. Pain is your body’s way of telling you to pay attention to it, to ease up if need be. There can be so much guilt associated with slowing down when you have a CI. There’s an image of the person who can “do it all,” “accomplish everything,” and “prove the odds wrong.” That’s all great, but it doesn’t work for most of us. Most of us do our best just to get through the day and live our lives.
That said, it’s easy to let pain stop you from doing anything at all, and that can be a problem if it causes you to be unhappy. Rosalind makes the good point that you have to determine if what you do causes damage beyond the pain. Another thing to consider is your overall happiness in life. I’ve found that often I’m happier doing things that lead to pain, because at least I’m having fun while doing them, than not doing anything at all. Of course this isn’t always the case. You have to figure out what works for you.
And remember there’s no rush. If it takes you a little while to figure out what your proper balance is, then so be it. My first pain started 15 years ago and I still reevaluate and readjust constantly as the pain triggers change over time. It’s a process. Just do your best to be happy and don’t worry about the perception of “right vs. wrong.”
Good luck,
Julie
Mary says
Joan, you are an inspiration. I’m so enjoying knowing you. Please give yourself credit for what you do accomplish, and don’t beat yourself up over what you don’t. I used to (and I may go back to this) highlight my “done” to-do items – it’s good self-feedback.
Diana, I so understand where you are. I don’t have much advice except listen to your body and let it tell you what you need to do. But on the other hand, don’t be afraid of pushing your limits a bit at a time.
I’m crawling out of what I think was a two year flare. I pushed myself way too hard and ended up having to completely quit work for six months. I am re-starting my marketing consulting business and am very conscious of having to pace myself carefully so as not to trigger another flare. Plus, if I get too tired, my brain stops! So I just do one outside the house/office activity per day, but they are getting a bit longer each day. It means things go slower than I wish, but oh well…
I so agree with Rosalind that we need to accept what is. Moment by moment. If now is tired, then tired it is. If now is pain, then pain it is. And then I get to make a decision about what to do about it. Sometimes pain control; sometimes staying in bed. Somtimes powering through it and dealing with the consequence on the other side.
Patience and faith are the two important lessons I’ve been learning. Patience with myself – I don’t have to get everything done today. I just need to keep moving the best I can. And the best I can just has to be good enough. Faith is about knowing that there are lessons to be learned and good things to come out of all this.
Some of those good things that I’m grateful for today: more time with my kids because I’m not working so much; more empathy for others who suffer; and the beginning of knowing that I am not my work. I have value just sitting here doing nothing.
Hang in there ladies. A wise man once said that there must be opposition in all things – if not for suffering, we wouldn’t know peace.
Hugs,
Mary
Joan says
All commenters, I love how you’re reading and replying to our blog, taking a look at your personal situation, getting inspiration from what’s written and supporting me, Rosalind and other writers as well.
I want to know, I did sleep! I tend to be stoic at times and forget that there are ways to deal with those pain receptors, at least enough to get much needed rest in order to restore equilibrium. It’s definitely been a better week. Healing is taking place, my body is working hard, and I still stop when my body says it’s time.
Be well,
Joan